remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
