when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
