A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
please come you make the beer taste better
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
