When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
