my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
