Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
