I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
