made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
