I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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