I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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