textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
