last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If its not for food we ain't going out.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize