I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Jerry, you need to find god
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
