that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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