I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
