Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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