We named our party play list daddy issues
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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