mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i think i just naturally attract stoners
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
