you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
