Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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