btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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