I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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