I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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