Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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