I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
