I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
a search helicopter?!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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