Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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