I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you would pick up someone in the library
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize