She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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