My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.