her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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