i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
