just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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