I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i think i have two assholes
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
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i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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