Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
