I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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