I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
