Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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