I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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