please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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