Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
