I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
