so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
