You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
