Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
