Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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