please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
