Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
