Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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