News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
