I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
