What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
