took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
