If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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