I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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