so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
