Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
